diana, how's new york? vol. 1

i'm a little behind on the times, but i thought i'd share this story just because it's hilarious and terrifying at the same exact time:

flying out here, i had a layover in dallas.  in case you were wondering what the worst possible airport in the world to have a layover was, i'll tell you.  it's dallas.  there are two reasons for this:

1. the place is so damn huge you have to take a train from one gate to another.  this is dumb.  what's even dumber is that i know that i have a layover in dallas, yet i do that "stupid diana" thing i always do where i try to book my connecting flights as close together as possible.  since we're already in numbered-list form, i'm going to create a bulleted sub-list to spell out exactly why this is so stupid.  
   •  the "duh" reason: when you've got 20 minutes between flights and it takes 40 minutes to get off the first damn plane because everyone is taking their carry-on rights to an extreme in order to avoid the additional $20 checked-bag fee, you've already missed your flight.   
   • who pees on a plane?  really, i mean, do you want EVERYONE on the plane to know you're peeing?  no.  there's no other reason to be strolling down the isle.  so after you've downed your third dr. pepper out of boredom, you start pinching your legs together and counting down the minutes until you're on the ground and able to pee somewhat covertly.  but wait...  you can't pee and make you're connecting flight now can you, diana?  why?  because you booked the damn thing so they started boarding Plane Number Two before Plane Number One had even landed. 
   • you want snacks?  you're not getting them on the plane.  you want a soy chai latte? you're not getting that either.  to bad you didn't book a longer layover. you could have had both.  and peed.      
2. (we're back to "reasons dallas suck" now.)  this is the main reason - the damn toilets.  so say you do have enough time to pee.  is it really worth it?  i'm voting for "no," because the motion sensors on the back of the fancy toilets they've provided get WAY too worked up when you step into your stall.  i'm not kidding when i say i was flushed on five times.  and i'm a World Renowned Fast Pee-er.  seriously, dallas airport toilets, visiting you is like voluntarily placing your luggage under a mister system that runs off a direct line to the urine factory.  

oh.  but that's not the story i was going to tell you.  this is:

so i get to my gate.  i collapse on the ground from the Marathon With Luggage i just ran.  i have 12 minutes before my plane leaves.  

an hour and a half later we are graced with this garbled announcement:  "attention passengers of flight blah blah blah to LaGuardia - we appreciate your patience (because we had another option?  i heard they're very encouraging of aggressive, out-of-line behavior in airports these days...) but unfortunately at this time we are not sure when your flight will be departing.  your pilot did not show up for work today."

wonderful.  i hope when they finally track his drunk-ass down, he's still in the "i love everyone!!!" stage and hasn't reached the disagreeable "i'm not going to fly that plane just because you told me to!" level.

funny, right?  so we sat there for another 40 minutes and watched news features showing close-ups of wheels falling off planes at take-off and other settling things.  i got to get my chai and my snacks though, so i ended up being a Very Happy Girl.

anyway, i made it to ny.  in case you were wondering.  it was dark out by the time i got in, and flying in over the city i teared up.  it's the first time i've been back in 11 months, and when i left, i hated it here.  but 11 months apart gives you time to think some things over, and that island is a pretty damn impressive thing to fly over at night.  even when you know it's coming.  so i'm not saying that i want to re-relocate permanently, but i might be a little pumped about coming back for the summer.

oh.  wait.  i'm confusing this with my diary.  my bad.  sorry.

so, now that we've taken 10,000 words to establish that i took a plane from tucson to ny, i will continue.

day (night?) one:  the boyf and i meet up with jack and my long-lost bestie, emily, who i will stop referring to as my "ny bestie" and just call, "my bestie," immediately after my plane touches down.  it's been 11 months since i last saw that pretty face, and i don't want to leave it again come wednesday.  

i don't have pictures because at that point i'd slept a total of three hours in 2.5 days, and the section of my brain that retains information such as "camera operation" had shut down to save energy for the "walking" and "breathing" functions.

what i do have pictures of however is this - The First Ever Face-to-Face Meeting of Road Trip Crew, 2009:

     

 what do you do when you first meet the people you'll be spending three weeks in a car with?  whisky shots, duh.

and after the whisky, (and maybe a quick vomit because you're not used to whisky and margaritas and some very fancy drinks at death and company.  (seriously.  stop reading right now and go read their cocktail menu.  do it.)  the next obvious thing to do is to go to the most fantastic drag show at the ritz and continue with the cocktails and some interesting dance moves, so that the next morning when you all wake up, there's no awkwardness at all.

then you all make your way slowly back to brooklyn, drunkenly stumbling down multiple flights of stairs and coming dangerously - dangerously - close to forgetting cameras, favorite blazers and laptops on different subway platforms across the city.

yep.  that's the way you do it.  

bet you can't wait for 'round 2...

Comments

[Kim]

True story. I was in the middle of an epic novel length email reply to you when my computer started to act retarded. It's taken almost 24 hrs and I think, I THINK I may have it fixed. I'll now attempt to recreate the magic that was the email.
I must also say that driving into NYC at night has the same effect on me; I don't think there's ever been a moment as magical as when I saw that skyline for the first time. My favorite cousin (who lives there) was watching for my reaction the whole time with a camera in his hand because he knows me so well and damn what I wouldn't give to have that picture now.

[Barrie]

I've had so many awful experiences at the Dallas airport that I've been tempted to set fire to it. Missed connections, fatass rednecks loudly discussing Ann Coulter's latest book, delays, and so on. BAD karma.

Having said that, I CANNOT WAIT to read posts from this summer's road trip. They may have to published into a book. I can make that happen. I know people who know people who know people.

[Amber at Painfully Hip]

This is totally hilarious and I love you.

[Awesome All Day]

hahaha If you had just listened to me and continued to drink all the different varieties of alcohol available you would have been TOTALLY fine,

[diana]

kim - post road-trip, will you come visit me in ny? please?!
barrie - regarding this book publishing, we should compile a volume entitled "go to hell dallas/ft. worth international: a collection of heartbreaking true storied by abused travelers." you in?
amber/r - ROAD TRIP '09!!!